


Give it time

by MMXIII



Series: Brooklyn Boys [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Past Brainwashing, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Self-Harm, Steve Rogers Feels, Stucky - Freeform, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-11 19:28:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2080317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MMXIII/pseuds/MMXIII
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Barnes’ Bucky mumbles.<br/>It’s 03:42 am, it’s 2014. They’re not in Kansas anymore.</p><p>[Bucky's transition from machine to human being is beginning to grate on them both]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give it time

‘ _Barnes_ ’ Bucky mumbles.

It’s 03:42 am, it’s 2014. _They’re not in Kansas anymore_.

It’s 03:42 am, its 2014. Bucky’s somewhere else.

Outside Steve can hear the soft rush of rain breathing down on the city - the city never sleeps, but then neither do they these days.

Steve rolls over onto his back in their bed and throws an arm over his face, ‘hmf?’

‘ _James…Buchanen_ …’

Steve lowers his hand and looks across at Bucky, half-lit profile twitching in agitation.

‘ _No_ ’ he whines, just like he does every other night, ‘ _I don’t want to… no, no, please. нет, пожалуйста,_ ’. Steve had ideas about the night terrors Bucky had during the war – he doesn’t really want to think about what they must have done to make _the_ _Winter Soldier_ beg.

 ‘Bucky’ Steve whispers, reaching across the space left carefully between them and rubbing the top of Bucky’s right arm through his tshirt, ‘hey, it’s ok’

Bucky’s eyelids are twitching frantically.

‘ три, два, пять _…_ ’

‘Bucky-’

‘ _five, seven…’_

‘-wake up’

Steve yanks his hand back just in time as Bucky snarls, low and violent, and lurches sideways, smashing into Steve, _hard_.

The force of it punches he air right outta Steve’s lungs but he just lies still and counts to ten with Bucky’s bared teeth pressed against his jaw, left arm tight around his throat.

He’s so tired. _So, so tired._

Right on cue Bucky goes slack and half collapses on top of him, shuddering and gasping for air and mumbling a familiar litany of despair.

‘ _Put me back in. I can’t- I don’t want- I-, please- put me back in_ ’

Steve rubs his hand between Bucky’s heaving shoulder blades.

‘It’s over’, Steve murmurs, voice cracking a little, ‘I got you’

‘ _I don’t want to do it’_ Bucky whimpers, the words pressed tightly into Steve’s shoulder.

‘Don’t have to do anything, Buck’ Steve says, pushing his fingers through the damp hair at the curve of Bucky’s skull. It’s long, licking at his shoulders. Out of the two of them it’s hard to tell who’s more reluctant to cut it.

Steve holds Bucky for a long time, would hold him ‘til the end of his _un_ natural born life if it would make the slightest bit of difference.

Eventually though, Bucky stops trembling.

‘ _Steve_ ’ he breathes wetly with something a lot like awe. There are tears in the dark hollows of his eyes.

‘You ok?’

‘yeah…I- yeah’

Steve slides his hand under Bucky’s tshirt and holds it against his lower back gently. The muscles that shift under his fingers are like steel. Bucky closes his eyes against Steve’s shoulder and breathes out heavily.

‘I’m sorry’.

‘2 hours and ten minutes’ Steve murmurs glancing sideways at the digital display level with his face, ‘more than last time’

‘Christ’ Bucky groans, pulling away and settling on his back next to Steve, ‘I’m never gonna sleep again’

‘Gotta give it time’ Steve says as Bucky sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed, ‘I was talking to Sam and- where you going?’

‘Couch’ Bucky murmurs, ‘m keepin’ you up’

‘Bucky, your hands are shaking’

Bucky looks down and laughs jarringly

‘never shook when I was _fucking_ killing’

Steve frowns and scrubs his hand over his jaw.

‘Come back to bed’

The bed jolts as Bucky kicks his heel against the frame in frustration.

‘It’s never gonna be like it was. You know that, right?’

‘yeah… yeah I know’

Steve stopped comparing _then_ and _now_ a long time ago.

‘What are we doing, Steve?’

For a moment Steve is blindsided by the raw resignation in Bucky’s voice.

‘Do you wanna be here?’ He asks, dreading the answer.

‘I- I’m not sure’

 _Keep it together_ , Steve thinks desperately

‘Do you want to leave?’ he asks, sitting up slowly and leaning back against the headboard.

‘Do you _want_ me to leave?’

‘I want…’ Steve says carefully, ‘I want you to do what you w-’

‘ **I _don’t know_ what I want** ’ Bucky snarls suddenly, fists curling against the sheets, ‘ **I don’t know how. I don’t fucking _remember_** ’

‘I’m not gonna tell you what to do, Buck’ Steve says quietly, watching the muscles shift in Bucky’s shoulders, ‘I can’t’.

Bucky makes a low frustrated noise in his throat.

‘Sometimes’ he mumbles, ‘sometimes I think maybe I want the dark. Just to make it all- to make it stop. To make it quiet’

‘You think I didn’t want that too, after they woke me up?’

Steve knows it’s not exactly the best analogy in the world, but it’s been a long week and he’s feeling more than a little frustrated too.

Bucky sighs deeply and rolls his head to the side.

‘This’ll be the hardest thing you ever do, Buck’, Steve says gently, ‘just _being_ ’

 _So much suffering,_ he thinks, _it isn’t fair, it isn’t-_

‘My head hurts again’ Bucky mumbles abruptly, reaching for a small plastic bottle on the nightstand and standing up. Steve tips his head back and closes his eyes.

 _Conversation closed_.

‘Alright’ he murmurs over the gentle pad of Bucky’s bare feet on the floor, ‘two every eight hours, ok?’

‘Not a kid, Steve’

Steve keeps his eyes closed until he hears the bathroom door close with a soft _click_.

_Wasn’t such a long time ago that you were_

Steve tries not to listen but he can’t help but hear the rattle of Bucky’s anti-inflam. pills, the rush of water against the bowl of the sink, the whine of the shower door opening and closing. He’s halfway to falling back asleep when he realizes the shower’s been running for a long while.

He doesn’t even think twice about getting up and knocking quietly on the door.

‘Hey… you alright in there?’ he says, loud enough for Bucky to hear over the sound of running water.

There’s no response and Steve counts to five before trying the door. He steps into the bathroom cautiously but drops his defensive stance almost immediately.

Bucky’s slumped on the floor of the shower stall, fully clothed, with his head tipped back against the tiles.

‘ **Bucky!** ’

Steve almost trips over the rug as he lurches towards the shower. Bucky tips his head forward sluggishly so the water’s running down the back of his neck and opens his eyes as Steve appears in front of him.

‘ _Oh, Buck_ ’ Steve murmurs, reaching forward to push the wet hair out of Bucky’s face. _The water is freezing, so cold the skin on Steve’s arm feels like its burning._

‘ _Jesus_ ’ Steve groans, reaching across frantically to turn it off.

‘Mmm’

‘ **Bucky, snap out of it!** ’

‘I can see…their faces’, Bucky slurs, closing his eyes.

Steve crouches down in front of the shower and pulls Bucky’s towards him by the shoulders, _horrified_. Water slides over the lip of the stall and bleeds out across the floor, soaking into the rug.

‘Children were running’ Bucky mumbles into Steve’s t-shirt as Steve hauls him out of the stall and settles him down against the bathroom wall.

_Shit, shit shit shit_

Steve grabs at the hem of Bucky’s shirt, probably a little too roughly, and yanks it over his head. It ends up in the sink along with Bucky’s soaking boxers as Steve wraps the nearest dry towel around his shoulders, and drapes another over his legs.

Steve realizes as Bucky stares at the wall, that he’s the only one shivering.

_There must be some part of Bucky that’s itching to be frozen again._

Steve presses their foreheads together, feels the cold water from Bucky’s hair slide down his face.

‘Bucky, come back’ he murmurs fiercely

_Come back, come back_

Bucky looks up and blinks slowly.

‘My head…’

Steve places both his hands around the back of Bucky’s head like it’s the most important thing in the world and presses a soft kiss against his hairline.

‘I’ve got you’ he chokes.

‘Steve…’

Steve just shakes against Bucky. _Bucky who was alive and then dead._

 _Bucky who is alive again_.

‘Steve’ Bucky says again, gently, ‘Stevie, you’re crying’

Steve can’t speak, just nuzzles his head into Bucky’s neck and gasps shallowly against him.

‘I’m wet… why am I- _fuck_. Steve, I…’

‘It’s ok’ Steve mumbles, vision blurry as he tightens his arms around Bucky, towel pressing into his cheek, ‘its ok, its ok’

_It’s ok, it’s ok._

‘No, Steve’ Bucky breathes sadly, head thudding back against the tiles, ‘no it’s not. We need help, pal’ he says to the ceiling. After a moment he tips his head forward to press a kiss into Steve’s hair.

When Steve pulls back to look at Bucky’s face, Bucky’s eyes are close, breathing slow and steady.

‘I’m scared’ he murmurs.

 _I’m scared too,_ Steve thinks _, I’m so fucking scared._

‘I love you’ he says instead.

 

‘Gee’ says Bucky, smiling sadly, ‘you really lucked out on that one, huh’

‘ _Bucky_ ’

‘Jesus Christ, Rogers. Of all the guys in Brooklyn you pick the one that-’

‘ _Bucky_ ’

‘Hmm?’

‘Shut up’ says Steve, grinning gently and wiping the back of his hand over his eyes, ‘shut the hell up’

Bucky pulls the towel off his shoulders, tension dissipated, and starts drying his hair.

‘Whatever you say, Captain’

‘So full of shit’ Steve laughs loosely, more with relief than anything else.

‘You kiss your ma with that mouth?’ Bucky grins, standing to wrap the second towel around his waist.

‘Nah, just you’ Steve smiles, feeling a little dizzy as he stands up. He slips out quickly to grab another pair of boxers and a shirt. When he comes back Bucky’s got his arms braced either side of the sink, head bent low in front of the mirror.

‘Hey’ Steve murmurs, kissing his bare shoulder blade, ‘stop moping and sit down’

‘Sir’ Bucky says sharply, sitting down on the toilet seat.

‘Jerk’

‘Mhm’ Bucky agrees, smiling.

Steve hands him the t-shirt to put on before crouching down and pulling Bucky’s ankles into the shorts.

‘I can do that myself’

‘I know you can’ Steve says, untucking the towel around Bucky’s waist ‘but I like doing it for you’.

Bucky looks at him strangely but stands up slowly so Steve can slide the boxers all the way up over skin now scarred rather than tanned. Steve doesn’t flinch at all, just presses his mouth briefly against Bucky’s hip bone before straightening up.

He’s about to turn away when Bucky catches his elbow and pulls him in close. 

‘Let’s go to bed’ he breathes, feeling more like himself than he has in a long, _long_ time. Because even at the end of the world, some things never change.

‘Alright’ Steve smiles into the side of his head.

 

 

 _Alright_.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate this has been done many many many times before so thanks very much for stopping by :)  
> Comments much loved! ^^


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